


Have Your Dragons Spayed or Neutered

by sabinelagrande



Category: Flight Rising, Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Clint Barton Is Smugly Amused, Completely Nonsensical If You Don't Play FR, Dragons, F/M, Humor, M/M, Not Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Compliant, Not Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Pepper Potts Just Likes Skydancers, Silly, Tony Stark Is Not Smart, Unfortunate Progenitors, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-24
Updated: 2014-04-24
Packaged: 2018-01-20 15:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1515095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabinelagrande/pseuds/sabinelagrande
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just a little browser game. A time-waster. What could go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Have Your Dragons Spayed or Neutered

**Author's Note:**

> I warn you now that this fic will probably be incomprehensible to you if you don't play Flight Rising. It may still be incomprehensible if you do play Flight Rising, but hopefully it will be entertaining.

Tony couldn't quite believe he was actually doing this.

He'd told Happy he would, but he hadn't actually meant it; no sooner than he'd agreed, though, Happy did that thing where he revealed that he'd actually been way more excited about it than he'd let on. Tony had no idea how he did it. Happy always seemed like an open book, whether he wanted to be or not, and it was so weird to find out when he'd been holding back.

Even then, Tony might not have done it, might have said he missed the window or something. Fortunately for Happy, Tony was approximately as bored as fuck tonight, so here he was, sitting at the kitchen counter, eating cookies and signing up for a game where you raised dragons.

Because he was thirteen, apparently.

"Agent Barton," JARVIS announced, and Tony pulled his plate of cookies closer.

"Hey," Clint said, shamelessly peering over his shoulder. "You're signing up for Flight Rising?"

"Yeah, Happy has too much fun with it, and I am incredibly bored, so I thought, while the registration window is open-" Tony stopped. "How do you know what Flight Rising is?"

"It's not a state secret," Clint said.

"It would be way more normal for you to know any given state secret than about Flight Rising," Tony said.

"Fair enough," Clint said. "There was a reg window one time when we were stuck waiting for extraction for a couple days. Somebody mentioned it, and then we were all suddenly making dragons."

Tony frowned. "Really?"

"It was a weird week," Clint said, shaking his head. "Most everybody quit pretty soon after we got home, but some of us still dick around with it." He took a glance at Tony's username. "YouKnowWhoIAm?"

"Well, ironman and iamironman were taken, so I don't know what else you expected me to do," Tony said.

"Do you really use ironman as your username for stuff?" Clint said, giving him a look.

"It's perfect," Tony said. "Nobody in their right mind would think that I'd actually call myself ironman."

"Well, you were pretty emphatic about it that first time," Clint pointed out. "Stuck pretty well, too."

"You know what I meant," Tony said dismissively. "There. Dragon. Done."

"How did I know you were going to make a red and gold Guardian?" Clint said.

"Tomato and lemon," Tony corrected. "The gold wasn't the right shade."

"So now you get to see what random mate you get for, uh, Heartbreaker there," Clint said.

Tony's female progenitor appeared.

"Uh," Clint said. "So that's a dragon."

Tony stared at it for a minute. "Why doesn't it match my male? Is it always gonna look like that?"

"Yep," Clint said. "Sorry, buddy."

"Well, I guess the first thing on the agenda is to buy a new female," Tony said.

"You know you can't buy your way through this game, right?" Clint said cautiously. "You can only buy gems with real world money, and you can't use gems for everything."

"I'm insulted," Tony said. "Both by the fact that you think I can't kick the ass of a dragon breeding game, and by the fact that you think I can't figure out how to buy my way through _anything_."

"You have fun," Clint said. "I'll send you a friend request."

"All the better to see when I've beaten you," Tony said.

"This isn't the kind of game where you eventually win," Clint warned him.

"That doesn't mean I can't beat _you_ ," Tony said, and Clint just shook his head.

\--

By the next day, Tony was a little bit less sure about whether he could actually beat Clint at this game.

Clint had left out some little details, like the fact that he had upwards of eighty dragons. Tony would be goddamned if that was going to let that stop him from trying, but this was going to be a longer haul than he originally expected.

When his alert thing lit up, he didn't think much of it; so far, it had told him that Happy and Clint had accepted his friend requests, that he got some kind of pyramid scheme thing for Pepper signing up, and that Ice was dominant this week- which was bullshit, but really only because Tony had picked Lightning. All of that was somewhat interesting, but not particularly fascinating. This was different though; now someone was offering to trade him a dragon. When he got to the Crossroads, it turned out they only wanted one treasure for it.

Tony was instantly suspicious.

He wasn't, however, an idiot, and he wasn't turning down a bargain basement dragon just because it came from a creeper. But wow, this thing was seriously nice, black and purple, with darker black pattern on it that looked like a circuit board. It was an Imperial, too; Tony was just going to pretend he knew what an Imperial was if anybody asked.

Almost immediately, he had a message in his inbox. He opened it with some trepidation; he wasn't exactly a stranger to strange admirers, though this one couldn't actually do anything to him- he hoped. It wasn't an effusive profession of love, thankfully, just two sentences:

_Thought I'd say hi. Heard you were having some trouble with your progen._

There was an attachment; a Blooming Strangler didn't seem like the least scary thing you could send somebody you were creeping on, but again. 

Free dragon stuff.

Tony typed a response quickly.

_Who is this?_

There was no reply for several minutes; when it came, however, it unfortunately did him no good.

_A friend._

Tony frowned. He checked out the person's profile, but there were no real clues. They had a big stack of achievements, a shitton of familiars, and, holy fuck, _a hundred and fifteen dragons_. But they only had a handful of friends, and the few forum posts they'd participated in were just random show-off-your-dragons things and something about donating money for expanding people's lairs.

Tony was both intrigued and a little pissed off. Whoever suityourself was, they had some explaining to do.

\--

"How's it going?" a voice said from behind him, and Tony jumped.

"Jesus Christ," Tony said, clutching his chest. "Don't fucking scare me like that."

Clint gave him a look. "JARVIS literally just told you I was here." He looked over Tony's shoulder. "Still playing?"

"Yeah, I'm in the Coliseum," Tony said.

"You should maybe think about taking a break," Clint told him.

"I've only been playing for-" Tony started, but then he looked at the clock. "A while. I've been playing for a while."

"So I take it you're having fun," Clint said, as Tony deliberately put his tablet down.

"It's not bad," Tony said. "There's a whole lot more to do in here than I expected."

"Well, that's what makes it a good game," Clint said, shrugging. "Blown all your money on fancy hats yet?"

"I'm playing a little more wisely than that," Tony said. It was just the one hat, and fedoras didn't count as fancy, as far as he was concerned.

"Uh huh," Clint said. "How much do you have in the bank?"

"75k," Tony said, and Clint made a little face. "Why, what do you have?"

"No, no, it's fine," Clint assured him.

Tony narrowed his eyes. "It's not fine."

"Well, I try to keep it above 500," Clint said. "Y'know, in case of emergencies."

Tony frowned. "What emergency could you have in a dragon game?"

"Running out of money," Clint said. "That or running out of lairspace, which is a problem you can fix with enough money, up until a point."

"I was doing worse," Tony admitted, "but then I found out people sell gems for treasure."

Clint raised an eyebrow. "So what you're saying is you're laundering money."

"It's not money laundering," Tony said, scandalized. "More like questionable currency exchange, which is not against the rules and which I am not above."

"You know you can make bank playing at the Fairgrounds when you're bored, right?" Clint said, and Tony got the distinct sense Clint was taking pity on him. "You can make up to 75k a day on that alone."

"Really?" Tony said, giving him a look. "Why the hell haven't I been doing that, then?"

"You'd probably like Runestones the best," Clint said. "Be careful with Tidal Trouble though. I got addicted to that shit one time and maxed out my Lucky Streak every day for like a week."

Tony stared at him. "That's 525k."

"Yeah, Tony, I was there," Clint said.

"Okay, so I know what I'm doing with my afternoon, then," Tony said.

Clint shook his head. "Tidal Trouble works better with a mouse," he said, walking off.

"Oh hey," Tony called after him. "Do you know suityourself?"

"Yep," Clint said, but he left before elaborating any further.

The plot was thickening. Tony didn't always like thickening plots.

\--

Pepper was sitting on the couch, reading a book; Tony knew this because JARVIS told him Pepper was sitting on the couch, reading a book, but Pepper had gotten over JARVIS giving out her location long, long ago. That totally made it okay for Tony to ask.

"You haven't accepted my friend request," Tony said accusingly, as he approached.

"Hmm?" Pepper said, looking up from her book. "Where are you requesting my friendship?"

"Flight Rising," Tony said. "I sent it to you _five days ago_."

Pepper frowned, setting her book aside and picking up her phone. "I thought I had," she said, logging in. "There. Now we're friends. Feel better?"

"Slightly," Tony allowed. "See what that alert's for."

"New trade, I guess," she said, clicking through and collecting her new dragon. "Oh, what a pretty girl. I didn't think tomato and coral would work, but isn't she nice? I love the iridescent."

"Who the fuck is suityourself and why is he sending you Skydancers?" Tony demanded; Pepper gave him a slightly pitying look and set about to naming her new dragon. "What kind of name for a dragon is Cecilia?"

"It's a perfectly good name," Pepper said.

"You can't give a dragon a human name," Tony huffed. "That's not how it works."

Pepper kissed him on the cheek. "You're just angry because your random progenitor sucks."

"She does _not_ suck," Tony said fiercely.

"A thistle and spring Tundra sucks, Tony," Pepper said sweetly. "That's a dragon only a mother could love."

"Well I do, so ha," Tony said. He frowned. "I don't think that came out right. Anyway, stop taking Skydancers from random men."

"When random men start sending me Skydancers, I won't accept them," she said, and Tony eyed her suspiciously.

"I think you're all conspiring against me," Tony said.

"We'd never do anything to hurt you, Tony," she told him.

"That is in absolutely no way an answer," Tony said; Pepper's look said that she wasn't really interested in giving one.

Totally conspiring.

\--

"You like that?"

"Mmm, yeah. Just like that."

"God, Pep, I'm gonna-"

"Tony, what's wrong?"

"Fucking _Coulson_!"

"That is _not_ something that should be coming out of your mouth right now."

"Hold on, hold on. Don't, y'know, lose your place. Just give me a sec."

\--

Phil glanced down at his watch. "It's after twelve thirty FR time."

"Shit, I almost forgot," Clint said, digging his phone out of his pocket.

There was silence for a moment as they worked. "Do you want any of these hatchlings?" Phil asked. "I'm just going to send them to the Auction House."

"You're too good to me," Clint said.

"I know," Phil said, and Clint rolled his eyes. "You're a cheap date. All I have to do is keep you in dragons."

"You're good for other stuff too," Clint assured him.

Phil snorted. "Good to know."

"Wait til we get back home, and I'll show what you get for two Wildclaws and a Ridgeback," Clint said, grinning suggestively.

"I think I would have gotten it for free," Phil pointed out.

"Well now you get it _and_ you freed up lairspace," Clint said.

"It's a win-win," Phil said, giving an amused look.

"Oh, send Pepper that one," Clint said, pointing a Pearlcatcher out. "She'll like it."

"By that you mean it'll drive Tony crazy, because he still hasn't figured out my username," Phil said.

"No, that's why _I'll_ like it," Clint said. "She'll like it because it's white and rose."

"You have a very stereotypical view of women's color choices," Phil said, shaking his head, but he set up the trade anyway.

Clint gave him a look. "Phil, I have three dragons that are iridescent royal and lavender shimmer," he pointed out. "I didn't say I judged her for it."

Phil snorted. "There. Done."

There was another lull as they went about their daily obligations.

"I worry about Crim," Clint said suddenly.

Phil frowned. "Excuse me?"

"I don't think she's all there," Clint said. "I mean, she just gave me five hundred treasure for a branch."

"She's a cartoon in a browser game," Phil said, raising his eyebrow.

"So you wouldn't mind if your whole lair was gone tomorrow?" Clint challenged. "They're just cartoons in a browser game." The look on Phil's face gave him away immediately. "Uh huh. That's what I thought. Maybe Pinkerton should think about putting her in a nursing home."

"Do dragons have nursing homes?" Phil said. "Shouldn't he have her exalted instead?"

Clint shrugged. "Six of one."

"Pinkerton's her worst enabler," Phil said. "And besides, they must have more money than god."

"They won't for long, if she keeps this up," Clint told him.

"I'm not so sure," Phil said contemplatively. "Say for sake of argument that every player exists separately, that every Crim is unique. If she offers the minimum every time, which she doesn't, she's willing to pay sixty thousand per day. If their daily income is less than that, then why does Pinkerton give away things from her hoard? He doesn't even make an attempt to recoup their losses. They're so rich that her spending habits are just eccentricities."

Clint stared at him for a moment. "Your brain is so fucking sexy."

"Down, boy," Phil said, smirking. "Anyway, you don't really want her to quit. She just gave you five hundred treasure for a branch."

"Well yeah, for my own sake I want her to keep going," Clint said, like it was obvious. "I just don't think it's healthy." Clint's phone started ringing, and he snorted when he saw the caller ID. "I think it's for you."

Phil took the phone, answering. "Can I help you, Mister Stark?"

Phil quickly pulled the phone away from his ear, waiting until the yelling stopped; it was followed by the sounds of a slight scuffle. When it was safe, Phil put the phone back against his ear again. "It's alright, Pepper," Phil said. "I'll talk to you later."

"That was so worth it," Clint said.

"I thought that was a slightly disproportionate response," Phil said.

"Some people get way too into this game," Clint said, shrugging. "Now give it back. I'm not done with my familiars."

**Author's Note:**

> In case you don't believe me, a tomato and coral Skydancer can be [perfectly nice.](http://flightrising.com/main.php?dragon=3139713) See?
> 
> And if you're on FR already, [come say hello!](http://flightrising.com/main.php?p=lair&tab=userpage&id=56641)


End file.
